From a place where you're free
by theway.youare13
Summary: after 21x4. Amanda breaks down and Olivia is there to pick up the pieces.
1. Chapter 1

**_Hey! It's been a while! Noah, Jesse and Billie don't exist in this story, not because I don't like them, but I don't know what to do with kids in a story. _**

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_**I hope you're all doing fine..! I am not sure if this is better as a one shot or if I should write what I have in mind for a part two. Maybe this work better like this, so that anyone can fill up the discussion as they like! Let me know what you think, and also, don't forget to comment about this story. Bless you! XX** _

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Evangeline finally got the abortion and after making sure she was safe, Amanda was wandering through the streets of New-York. One sentence Olivia once said to her when she first came in to SVU was running through her head. "Some case hits harder than others". It was the beginning of Autumn and even though the days were still pretty sunny, it was starting to get cold at night, but Amanda didn't mind. The fresh air would probably help her cheering up a little, or so she thought. Everything happened many years ago, and she had turned her life around, so the impression of feeling like a time bomb, ready to blow up any minute now would soon disappear. She had made the decision years ago to never talk about her past, her story, and it didn't matter now. It would be fine, she kept telling herself, and yet she was in front of Olivia's building.

"Amanda, hi" The captain sounded surprised for less than a second, but she and Amanda were good friends now, and she was quick to invite the younger detective in.

"I should have called"

"Now, that's okay, I was just about to start dinner. Wanna join me?"

"Ehm, no thanks, I just… I just wanted to let you know Evangeline got the abortion."

"Good. That's good."

"And also, I went with her…. Not on my working time though.. so.. it doesn't count. I was with her as a friend" she quickly added as a justification before Olivia could reprimand her.

"Amanda, now that Evangeline won the case, you know you did nothing wrong. In fact, you were just being a good detective. You did good." Olivia didn't seem surprised of Amanda's implication though. She had grown to know that the case involving children were always a little bit hard on Amanda, even if she didn't admit so.

The blonde nodded, offering a smile of her own, and it was impossible to see that something was wrong. Amanda was so good at hiding her pain, that even herself couldn't tell how actually tormented she was feeling inside.

The discussion could have ended there. It should have.

"So I let you to it" Amanda glanced at the dinner and smiled once again before shifting towards the front door.

"Amanda?" Olivia whispered with an inch of curiosity.

Amanda stopped but didn't turn.

"Amanda are you ok?"

The door handle in her hands, the blonde nodded, but was still unable to move.

That's when Olivia knew there was so much more to it. Without a sound, she calmly stepped behind Amanda and after she was certain the blonde noticed her presence, she simply put a hand on her shoulder.

The silent tears transformed into rivers, and in no time the blonde was sobbing so violently she couldn't stand in her own two feet. Amanda has been very involved with Evangeline, but Olivia didn't notice any clue that could have prevented the unexpected breaking down.

"Hey.. hey" Olivia was quick to react and to prevent Amanda to hurt herself as her legs gave up "Amanda what's wrong?" Things escalated so quickly and were so out of character coming from the blonde detective that the brunette's concern was undeniable. But at the moment, she simply needed to be there and provide the reassurance Amanda evidently needed.

Olivia placed Amanda on her lap, in the middle of the hallway, and the fact that the younger detective didn't even object was even more worrying. As a matter of fact, she was starting to hyperventilate as her whole body couldn't keep up with the sudden outburst of emotions.

"I've got you honey, but you need to slow down" Olivia reordered the blonde's hair hoping to establish some eye contact, but it seemed Amanda was too far gone to even connect with the reality right now.

"Amanda, I need you to take a breath" Olivia herself was starting to breathe a little faster than normal, noticing she was unable to calm the woman down.

It was not some anxiety attack. It was nothing she had ever experienced before. The time bomb had exploded and she couldn't go back now. Her emotions had finally taken control of her own mind, and she was drowning. She was drowning in a past that she swore was forgotten. She was crying a pain that was never even acknowledged.

Even though Olivia ignored what the origin of the turmoil was, it was obvious that Amanda couldn't really hear her voice. But since it was now a necessity to get Amanda to ease down a little, she placed a hand on the blonde's heart, as to help her bear the pain. The other hand was used to hold the crying woman against her, as tight as she could.

"Let it out. Let it all out"

The consoling touch somehow reached Amanda, whose tears finally lessen a little, even though she was still unable to stop crying. "That's right honey, you just let go. I have you"

Exhaustion finally put an end to Amanda's agony. Her eyes had been closed for the past ten minutes and her whole body seemed to be abandoning the battle.

"I'm gonna help you to the bed" Olivia gently whispered, making sure once again that Amanda felt safe with her.

The blonde's body tensed up a little. She wanted to say that she was fine and go home. She wanted to erase this whole night, but instead, she started tearing again.

"That's ok if you cry honey" for the first time since Amanda crumbled, they exchanged a glance. Amanda's shame met Olivia's compassion.

"That's ok, I promise" Olivia insisted

Amanda was quick to look away though.

"Let me just help you to my room so you can be more comfortable, ok?"

Disarmed and empty, Amanda didn't feel able to take a decision for herself, so she nodded.

The whole night, Amanda went back and forth between tears and slumber, Olivia never leaving her side and holding her every time the blonde seemed to need the comfort. They didn't talk. At this point, there was nothing to say.

Sensing that Amanda needed to be taken care of right now though, she called Fin to explain the situation and take the day. Obviously, the timing couldn't be any worse, but Amanda needed to be a priority.

"I'm.. sorry for.. whatever that was" The first words Amanda pronounced since last night were awkward, her uneasiness almost palpable while she entered the living room. Fortunately, it was almost 6.30 and she needed to get ready for work. Her head was killing her and make up would have to work miracles in order to hide her still very red and swollen eyes.

"I'm relieved you came here last night" Olivia confirmed, leading the blond towards the couch, and offering a cup of coffee.

"I didn't come here to… anyway.. can we forget about… I'm gonna be late!" The day hadn't even started and Amanda felt week and chilled to the bone.

"Amanda, I called in to say we both would not be able to come in today. That doesn't mean you have to talk to me, if you don't want to.. but anyway, I'm sure you could use a day off" Olivia carefully announced.

"Ehm.." there was nothing Amanda could think of as an acceptable answer. She felt a little offendend that her boss took a decision for her. "I can do my job!"

"I know. I know you can Amanda. And you're great at it. I just felt like, you and I could use the rest. And of course, you're welcome to confide in me anytime. You know that, right?"

Olivia was right, she could definitely use the rest. "I know.. maybe, that's why I came here yesterday.. I.. don't know." Amanda's voice was unsure and at the same time, she was trying to be honest without too much preaching from her Captain. What a long way they've accomplished!

"You came here to talk?" Olivia tried.

It was hard for Amanda to be truthful about her emotions, even now that she was pretty close to Olivia, because she's never been one to overthink about her life and mostly, she didn't know what she was feeling. Also, she was still shivering and confused, which Olivia noticed.

"I don't know… I felt like.. I don't know" Amanda rubbed her eyes, unsure about how long she would manage to appear rational.

"You felt like what honey?", the brunette asked as she protectively wrapped a blanket around the other woman.

"Like the world what about to crumble" she closed her eyes a little, just to avoid Olivia's judgment.

"It surely did" Olivia joked, not sure Amanda would find this relaxing or at the opposite would shut her down. She was obviously tired as well and she did regret letting the words slip out of her mouth. Fortunately though, Amanda found it amusing.

"I don't know what happened" she finally admitted in defeat. "One second I was fine, the other…. I don't know where it came from"

"Do you wanna know what I think?"

Amanda hesitated for a few seconds. Olivia was good at reading people, very good. And she wasn't sure her life needed to be put out like this. Not after all this time. Not like this.

But maybe, just maybe, the rest of the world wasn't her responsibility, like she just told Evangeline a few days ago. Maybe, Amanda too, deserved to finally feel heard, and free. Even if didn't matter. Even if it was years too late. Even if it was for nothing. So Amanda nodded.

"I believe Amanda, I believe there's something you need to share. And I am here to listen. I want to listen."

"It's all for nothing.. so what good would it do? It's not like I can go back in time and.. What good would it do to talk now?! I know the theory… I studied the theory, the books, I know what you're about to tell me.. but I don't know" For once, Amanda couldn't be more sincere.

"Fuck the theory!"

Amanda was taken aback by Olivia's choice of words. For sure, she didn't expect her boss' answer to be a curse.

"You heard me right, Rollins! You and I, we're not so different! We're very good at helping others, and at the same time, not so good at following protocol.

"But…" Amanda was getting more and more curious about where the discussion was going.

"You know me now as your Captain, but I once was worse than you, trust me… that's how I know.

"Know what?" Amanda was definitely intrigued.

"That you're right… it won't do any good to talk about whatever it is you want to talk now. It's not like you need the help. You've managed to become this wonderful detective that you are, all by yourself. You shouldn't talk to me from a position where you need the help."

"And where should I talk to you from, then?"

"From a place where you're tired. You're so very tired of not being able to show yourself, of telling that this is who you once were, where you've been. You deserve to be free. And you know I can listen. So here we are. And today, we can fuck the theory, and just talk about life and stuff… I mean… if you want"

"I'd like that Liv. I'd like that very much. From a place… where I'm free?"

"yeah, from a place where you're free".


	2. Chapter 2

**_I feel a little disappointed almost nobody took the time to leave a review, but that's okay. I know my stories are weird anyway! Here's a part two, because I feel in a writing mood. I'm not sure when I'll post something next though. Thank you to those who left a comment! _**

"He was my mama's boyfriend" with those simple words, Amanda started her story, like so many women before her. Against all odds though, it felt natural, almost normal to let herself open up.

"Okay" Olivia stated, as she made herself comfortable on the sofa in front of her friend. She didn't want to seat too close, so Amanda wouldn't have to worry about feeling invaded.

"My father had just left, and my mum was a wreck. But I didn't mind him, Liv. I really didn't. He made me feel special you know? At first he.." Amanda realized she was talking too fast, too soon and she suddenly felt self-conscious.

"I'm here to listen honey, not to judge" Olivia reassured as if she could read Amanda's mind.

"I'm not really worried about what you might think of me, I know you'll say I'm not the one to blame and all that, it's just… this is my family you know? And even know I'm still mad ad them… I don't want them to….look bad" Amanda shrugged. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all.

"We've all done this job for a long time, and we know it's not all black or white. I'm not interested in blaming someone you don't want to blame Amanda. And you can stop if you want to.. you can stop whenever you want."

While Amanda seemed lost on her thoughts, Olivia wondered if this was still too much for Amanda to share.

"You know what? We have all day! Why don't you and I just have some breakfast, get some fresh air… would you like that?" They both skipped dinner last night and Olivia could really use something to eat.

"Do you mind if I use the shower?" Amanda shyly asked. It would buy her time and made her feel a little more presentable.

"Not at all! You already know where everything is, right?" Unsure of what the two of them would plan to do next, Olivia decided to satisfy her gurgling stomach by cooking some pancakes.

The hot water was warming her body and soul. None of what happened mattered anymore. For a couple of minutes, she just closed her eyes and rested her mind. The time stopped and Amanda was grateful for the break.

"If you're able to forget what you are, you can become anything you want to be." Amanda stated, glancing at the pancakes she had no intention to ingest. "That's how I made it Liv" She was now staring at her boss, her friend, the person she admired the most. And Olivia could hear everything Amanda was not pronouncing: the approval she was seeking and also how she was imploring her boss not to destroy the only thing that kept her alive.

"You've always been really smart"

"It wasn't that hard. I would just forget. I didn't know back then that I wanted to become a cop, but I was determined to do some good in the world. I couldn't just be alive for no reason. And I couldn't be alive if I was trapped in my own role, so I would just pretend I was someone else… someone strong."

"You were strong Amanda. You were perfect, but you were just a kid. You shouldn't have had to deal with so much"

"Well, from my perspective, it didn't matter, because I could do it. I could bear anything and they… they couldn't" she whispered with a husky voice.

"I know what you mean. My mum used to be so angry at me for just, you know, being me, but I knew I could take it. I knew she had it worse so… there wasn't much I could do for her, but at least, I wouldn't bother her with my own insecurities"

Even though Amanda was aware of Olivia's background, they never really talked about it, and you could tell Amanda was grateful for the trust that was being invested in her.

"Were you aware of your own insecurities?"

"I knew the guilt I was carrying around would made me an easy prey if I didn't hide it. Trusting people was also a big fear of mine… it still is. So I didn't make lots of friends back then. I mean I did, but they didn't know me, not really. So I get what you say about forgetting what you are. I couldn't forget though, but I could hide it." It seemed natural to let her guard down, to answer sincerely.

"Well, I guess we all do what we can to survive, right?"

"True"

"Some of the things I would just forget about have been going through my mind, and I don't know what to do with them." Amanda finally admitted.

"I'm ready when you are Amanda, from a place where you're free. I don't need you, you don't need me. We either choose to share, or we don't. That's okay either way."

"I don't need you, but I want you here." For the first time of her entire life, she wanted to share, without pressure or shame, and she wasn't scared to verbalize her needs.

"I'm here and happy to be" Olivia assured as all her attention was focused on her friend.

"I was eleven when he first… touched me. and I did tell my mama, the day after. She made me repeat the story over and over …. so there's no possibility that she misunderstood me." Amanda added with a pinch of anger. There was no coming back now that the truth was out, but it was time and she felt comfortable letting Olivia in.

"I told her and she must have talked to him, because for a while, he was just annoyed and he ignored me. When it all started again, I kept my mouth shut. That's when I decided pretending would be my plan. It was my mum's plan and it seemed to work pretty well for her."

Amanda's anger towards her mother was all of a sudden more relatable.

"But I don't want you to hate my mama Liv. I don't know.. it's okay if I'm angry at her, but I don't want other people to do so." So many years had gone by, and Amanda was still putting her family first, worried that the only person she's ever told her story would somehow not understand that all she's ever done, was to spare her relatives.

"I don't hate your mama honey. I mean, it is a lot to take in and… just right now, I might not like her very much, but we all know family is complicated. I wouldn't want you to hate my mother either, even though she was hard on me. So how about… we don't talk about people we're in no position to judge and only focus on us?"

"Thank you Liv." With those simple words, Amanda felt understood.

"And for what it's worth, I am so so sorry you didn't have the necessary resources to get the help you needed." There was no pity in Olivia's tone, she was just internally devastated to know what did happen to Amanda, but that wouldn't help the young detective for now.

"I never thought I needed help. I just… Oh God" Tears were threatening to run again, to her greatest dissatisfaction. All she needed was to know she mattered. But why hadn't she been enough for her own mother then?

"Hey.. you're okay honey" Olivia handed her friend the box of tissue and sensing Amanda didn't want to be held at the moment, simply gave her space.

"Can I ask you a question Liv?" Even though Amanda was sheltered inside the soft blanket from last night, she felt alone. Olivia did seem to understand her, and yet even that wasn't enough.

Olivia nodded

"If your mother was here, if you had the opportunity, right here, right now, would you tell her? Would you tell her how she made you feel?!" The abuse, she kept telling herself that she was over it. But the betrayal and the abandonment felt like a burden that would forever influence her perspective.

"That's a question I've asked myself so many times. And I will answer truthfully, but I don't want you to feel pressured in any way by my answer. All right?"

"I won't."

"My mother was aware that she was unfair to me. Sometimes, when she was drunk, she would just cry and repeat how sorry she was for not being there for me as I needed her to. Of course, the following morning, she had no clue of what she'd been saying and I never brought it up. So I don't think I would today, because I know she did her best, despite how hard it was on me."

"I've tried so hard to forgive her. I love my mama and I want to be able to accept her how she is, but I don't know if I can Olivia. Does that make me a terrible person? Does that make me a terrible detective, if I'm unable to offer my own mother the compassion she deserves?" Today, Amanda's ire was stronger than her need of comfort. But to Olivia, it didn't matter. She was determined to show Amanda, that she deserved love no matter when. Anger was nothing but sadness in disguise.

"Come here honey" Olivia grabbed Amanda's hands and held them tight.

"No Liv I just…"

"You're not a terrible person Amanda. And if for some reason, your mum failed to show you that you mattered, that's on her."

"It's not like.."

"I'm not judging. I'm just saying that I see you. I see you and now, I know where you come from, and it doesn't make you less of a person, quite the opposite. You did what you thought was right to protect your family. Don't be so hard on yourself"

Here she was, wanting to cry her heart out, but unable to.

"Amanda look at me" Olivia pleaded. "What about you?"

"Would you tell your mother about how she made you feel? Is this something that you've been thinking about?"

Amanda shrugged and it was obvious that part of her wanted to just get things out her chest.

"We can make that happen, if that's what you want" Olivia whispered, still trying to keep eye-contact even though Amanda appeared more and more diffident.

"I decided years ago that I wouldn't. Would it do any good? My mum couldn't protect me then, and she certainly can't help me today. So it would just hurt her for nothing, right?! Well, assuming she cares… " She finally mumbled

"Honey, I didn't ask about how your mum would react." Olivia gently added. "I think it's time you put yourself first."

"What happens when I tell her, and she denies everything? I don't think I could ever bear to feel humiliated again." Amanda finally admitted.

"I'll be okay though, Liv. It comes a time where we have to become our own parents, right? I can take care of myself." She'd been open for a while now, and was starting to feel oppressed, so she was hoping to end the conversation with some stupid proverb or whatever.

"Can you, though?" Olivia sounded more biting than what she intended, mostly because she didn't buy Amanda's last answer. "I'm sorry, that came out a little harsh. I meant, can you, love yourself like you're supposed to be loved? "

"Can you Liv? Can anyone?"

"Not every time. But I try. And as I grow older, I'm doing a better job at appreciating myself, I guess."

"Good on you, Olivia." Amanda wasn't being sarcastic; it was nice to hear that her boss felt in a balanced mental state these days.

For a moment neither of the women knew what to say. Olivia took a moment to absorb everything that has been shared while Amanda seemed to be pondering whether to leave the conversation there or ask one more question that was haunting her thoughts. It took some courage, but the heavy silence was finally broken.

"Do you think I'm a coward?"

"Why on earth would I think that?

"I don't know. Our job is to bring justice to survivors and… here I am."

"Our job is to help those who come to us Amanda. But we don't know all the stories. How many women are there, who never speak out? I do believe in justice, I do believe in talking in order to heal, but who am I to blame you? My heart hurts for you honey, but I'll never think less of you, never, for keeping your story private."

"Thank you Olivia"

"And if you ever change your mind, about your mum, I want you to know that I'm ready to help you in any way that I can"

"I don't think I could ever do this without you anyway."

"If you're able to forget what you are, you can become anything you want to be." The plan was perfect, until that day. The problem with pretending is that Amanda never learnt to love her real self. Maybe now though, it would be different. Now she had someone to talk to, from a place where she was free.


End file.
